Understanding Freedom
by Frank-da-rabbit
Summary: His world is so perfect with her there, but what if she doesn't feel the same? First timer, so be kind. Rated for character death.


A/N: I'm new to Degrassi fanfic and to the show. I'm sorry if some of the characters seem a little OOC. I tired my best to go off of what I viewed, so have mercy. If you feel the need to flame, then go right ahead. I have no qualms with it. Just know that they will be used to cook my bagel. Enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, CTV does. On with the show, erm, story.  
  
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Understanding Freedom By Frank-da-rabbit  
  
You walk down the hall; mind swirling around madly, feet hurried and determined. Everyone waves to you, anticipating a return in salutation. Their patience goes un-rewarded as you continue in your path.  
  
You don't see them.  
  
You don't see their fake smiles, their trendy clothes, their needy waves. You don't see anything but her and her eyes. Her beautiful, angst-filled eyes. You could lose yourself in those eyes. And you do, really. Every time they glance into yours. She is everything to you, but she doesn't know. You like it that way. If she ever found out, she'd leave you for sure. She's only in this physically. She doesn't know the affect she has on you. She doesn't know she's the only one for you.  
  
She's the only one who understands.  
  
She feels the same things you do. The want to scream and yell and throw everything in your reach.  
  
The want to hurl yourself off the nearest building just to rid yourself of your overbearing thoughts.  
  
The nothingness you feel day in and day out.  
  
The loneliness, all the goddamned loneliness.  
  
You smile for the first time since you crawled out bed this morning. She sees and smiles back. Your heart flutters and you go to talk to her, but something stops you. You don't know what until you see that flash of gray from an all too familiar sweater. Your heart stops beating as you realize she's focused on him.  
  
Him and not you.  
  
Your eyes harden and you walk away. The smile turned into a sneer; the happiness turned into pain. You hear your name being called and turn to see your best friend. You smile, fake of course. He doesn't notice. You don't care. You are just like him. Just like them. Fake smile, trendy clothes. No wonder she wants him over you. It doesn't matter that she connected with you for a brief moment in time. She knows that your parents are never home. You know her that mother is always drunk. You know each other inside and out because you are the same. But she's too wrapped up with him to admit it.  
  
Him and not you.  
  
He knows her, too. Feels her pain, probably better than you can. His parents are drunks, too. Yours are just never around. He has the haunted past. The troubled present. Your just a bitchy rich kid who's parents think a way to raise a kid is to hand them money and leave a list of phone numbers "just in case."  
  
You forget about her for the rest of the morning. Your façade takes over and you run on auto-pilot until lunch rolls around. You walk with your friends to your usual table, but stop shortly when you see her smile at you, hand beckoning. Your mouth moves clumsily as words spill out. Your going to the nurse, you say. Your head is killing you, you say. They nod and continue in their conversations, unaware that you are heading in the opposite direction of the nurse's office.  
  
You run, holding her hand, towards the roof. You came out here once before, she was with him, and you, with your current girlfriend. Some other kid, whose name is too unimportant for you to think of at the given moment, was up here too. Hell, your own girlfriend's name fails your lips as you see her eyes. Her beautiful, angst-filled eyes. Without saying anything, your lips capture hers and you stand there, for the moment, as one. She breaks away and smiles. She grabs your hand and kisses your fingers gently. You realize for the first time that something's not right. Her smile's not happy; it's sad. Confused and bothered. Your heart clenches and you start to sweat.  
  
"Jimmy, I can't do this anymore." Her words hang in the air for a moment and then you narrow your eyes. You can't believe she's doing this. She's pulling away from the best thing that has ever happened to you.  
  
"What do you mean, 'I can't do this anymore?'" You try to sound angry, menacing even, but you come out sounding like a scared child. Her eyes move to the streets below. Your anger rises and you pull your hand away. She should at least have the decency to look at you.  
  
"Ellie?"  
  
"Jimmy, I just can't. It's not fair to Sean..." she brought him up, you can't believe she has the audacity to bring him up. "..or to Hazel."  
  
Hazel. God, you forgot all about her. The way her lips felt against yours, her smile, laugh. You cringe at the thought of her, though. She's not Ellie. She's not your one and only. Your other half. Ellie is. You have to make her see this.  
  
"El, it's not fair to us, to me, to end this. We can end the others, they can handle it. They'll understand. I-I love you." Your breath stops suddenly as you realize your life depends on her answer. If she says she loves you, you can continue in this faux pas relationship. The one that was never meant to happen. If she says she doesn't love you, well, there's the nice tall building that you just happen to be standing on top of. You look into her eyes and see more confusion and more sadness. You know what she's going to say before she says it. You inch towards the edge of the building, slowly so she won't know what's going to happen until your body is already in flight. Her words stop you, though. Surprise you, really.  
  
"I love you, too." The words seem foreign at first. Sure, your used to saying them, but never hearing them. At least not when they have such importance as this. Your face stretches up into a smile and you move towards her again. Suddenly, she turns away. Your smiles falters, but ecstasy stills lingers from the words and your smile returns full force. You try to wrap you arms around her tiny waist, but she pulls away, fast.  
  
"Jimmy," she says sternly, your smile vanishes as quickly as it came. "Jimmy, I can't. I can't hurt Sean. He needs me so much."  
  
"But you can hurt me."  
  
"It's not like that."  
  
"What's it like, then? He's more important, more broken that he needs you to fix him. You can't fix him, you know. He doesn't want it. I do, fix me." She looks away. "Damnit, just tell me why you really want him over me, why you're giving this up to be Slim Shady's bitch of the week." The words drop out so venomously you can barely believe the harshness yourself. She opens her mouth more than once, looking like a flopping fish, before she finally finds her words.  
  
"He needs me, like I said."  
  
"I need you.," you say quietly, your eyes pleading with hers.  
  
"But you have people, he doesn't. He has no one. Not even his brother. He's dependent on this relationship and I don't want him to spiral out of control. You have Spinner and Paige and Terri. You have Hazel. You don't need me. You only think you do." Your head spins. You do need her. The others, they mean nothing to you. They don't understand you, they don't care. They only care for themselves. Hell, they were too wrapped up in their own lives to see that you were dying inside. That's why you need Ellie. She makes you feel alive. She was there when your world felt like it was falling apart. When you felt the only way out was to be dead outside as well as in. That feeling comes rushing back as she speaks her next words very slowly.  
  
"This is over." Your head starts to hurt again, and you wish like hell that you had gone to the nurse instead. She smiles warmly before an all- too-familiar look of apathy falls over her features. Her hand brushes yours, but you quickly pull away. She sighs and starts to say something.  
  
"Jimmy--"  
  
"Don't," you say harshly. "Just leave." She reaches for you again, this time almost pleadingly.  
  
"I said leave." There is obvious hurt in her eyes, but you don't care. She hurt you first. She slowly backs up as she glances into your eyes one last time. And for the first time you don't loose yourself. You look away, unfazed. You hear her sigh before her footsteps fall lightly against the surface of the roof.  
  
"I love you." Her words pass from her lips to your ears quietly before you hear the sound of the door shutting.  
  
Your eyes close tightly. You don't care about that look she gave you. That hurt expression. You don't care if you came across cruelly. She hurt you. She pulled away from this potentially beautiful relationship. She gave up on you. She doesn't love you. She can say it as many times as she wants, it's still not true to you. You were willing to give up everything for her. You would shoot yourself in the eye if she'd asked you to. But she left you.  
  
And suddenly it hits you. You're alone. On the roof. A goofy smile slides across your face as you begin to hum softly to yourself. You inch towards the side of the building and look straight. Your arms are extended and you think to yourself that this is what birds must feel like when they fly over the tallest of trees. You want that feeling. The feeling birds have when they fly. Freedom. You want free of this life. Of petty problems and distant relationships. Of fake smiles and trendy clothes. From Spinner Mason and Paige Michalchuck. From Hazel Aden and Sean Cameron.  
  
And From Ellie Nash. Especially from Ellie Nash. Who choose to be with him.  
  
Him and not you.  
  
You continue humming to yourself as your eyes stay focused on the horizon. You slowly lean forward and let gravity take over. Your soft voice fills the air and you finally understand what freedom is all about.  
  
The End  
  
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A/N: hope you enjoyed. Please tell me what you thought by reviewing. Thanks again for taking the time to read this! 


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